Wow! Its been two whole months since I posted anything. No Merry Christmas, no Happy New Year, not even a runniversary post {Yes, that's a word:-}. I don't even know where to begin with this post. Maybe I should start with the reason its been so long since I posted. Or at least what I strongly suspect is the reason.
I recently discovered that I suffer from
Seasonal Affective Disorder, or seasonal sadness. This is really weird for me because I really am a typically happy go lucky kinda girl. However, I haven't been lately. And I haven't been able to figure out why. I don't want to run, I don't want to go to
G-Fit. I really don't want to do anything except sleep and eat junk food. Maybe I should back up and explain a little.
Last February I began to think I was losing my mind. I was irritable. I was sad. I was tired all the time. I didn't want to be around people. I was trying very hard to lose weight and I couldn't, which just made things worse. Sometimes I was angry for no reason. I started to think that I was possibly experiencing postpartum depression a few months too late. Then I realized that I had been feeling that way for a month or so but I had been faking my way through it. You know, the fake smile, the fake laugh, the random joking around to make others laugh, which is normal for me except my heart just wasn't in it. The 'I'm doing great! How about you?' That kind of thing. The faking it finally got to me and I couldn't fake it anymore.
But there was no way I was depressed!
No way! I had a new baby and a great life with a wonderful family. Sure, it wasn't perfect. But what is? Plus, I didn't believe in depression. I mean really, life is what we make it. If you're sad,
get over it. Stop complaining and do something about it. Right?!?!?!
Boy was I ever wrong. I want to take a second and apologize to anyone who has ever felt a sadness that they can't seem to kick. Its not necessarily something you can just 'get over'. Sometimes it can be so overwhelming that it makes you feel claustrophobic, even in open spaces.
But then I did get over it. Just a couple of weeks after I realized what was going on. Just like that, I was okay. Not sad anymore. Having fun. Truly laughing. So I forgot about it. But I have been feeling that way again. Its been building for a month or so. Same thing. I don't want to run, which I love to do. I go to work and I do my job well but I don't really want to be there. I don't really want to talk to my friends. I fulfill my calling as First Counselor in the Young Women Presidency at church but I don't really want to. Honestly, its only a sense of responsibility that has kept me doing all of those things. They
have to be done. End of story. Good thing I have that sense I guess. And if I'm a bit snippier and shorter of temper, well, I'm allowed. My life is very busy and full of craziness. That can make a person irritable. {I should clarify that I have not, at any point, felt suicidal. Just apathetic and a bit lethargic.}
Then I made a comment to a friend/co-worker about needing some sunshine and being a creature of spring. He said his wife has seasonal sadness. I immediately thought,
whoa,
is there such a thing?! So of course, I Googled it. And lo and behold, it described me almost to a tee. The lethargy. The apathy. The crazy craving of carbs in any form. The weight gain (even when I abstain from the carbs that I crave, which of course leads to NOT abstaining from the carbs I crave). The sadness that I can't explain. Then there is the not understanding
why I feel this way that makes it all that much worse.
Wow, the winter makes me sad. I mean, yeah, I hate the winter.
Really hate it. Its not awful in Arkansas because its usually fairly mild with a lot of sunny days and a few snowy/icy days mixed in. But there is also a lot of dreary days. I hate the winter. I love the sun. I need the sun. I was born two days after the vernal equinox. I am a child of the spring to my core. Did I mention that I hate the winter. But to realize that the winter affects me this way? That's a lot to fathom. Its not always been this way. I mean, I've always hated the winter, don't get me wrong, but last year was the very first time that I can say I felt legitimately depressed because of it.
It is nice, however, to know whats wrong with me. To have an understanding of WHY I feel the way I do. I think that will help me get through it. It also helps to have a supporting husband. Even though I'm sure I've yelled at him more than is absolutely necessary. Regardless, I should feel better in a few weeks anyway. In the mean time, I will go run, even when I really don't think I want to. I will go to my G-Fit classes, even when I really don't think I want to. And Andrew and I will start our Karate classes again tomorrow ( we only had to give it up because of time but Sensei changed the class time, so we can start again!) Because this will pass and the exercise is a natural anti-depressant. Yay for endorphins:-) And if I'm not as quick to laugh, or my smile seems a little shallow, that's okay because the sun will shine and soon I will feel like a new person. I will find myself again and the things that I love will make me happy again. I know this to be true. My faith assures me of this.
~KC