Sunshine, Blessed Sunshine

Wow! Its been two whole months since I posted anything. No Merry Christmas, no Happy New Year, not even a runniversary post {Yes, that's a word:-}. I don't even know where to begin with this post. Maybe I should start with the reason its been so long since I posted. Or at least what I strongly suspect is the reason.

I recently discovered that I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, or seasonal sadness. This is really weird for me because I really am a typically happy go lucky kinda girl. However, I haven't been lately. And I haven't been able to figure out why. I don't want to run, I don't want to go to G-Fit. I really don't want to do anything except sleep and eat junk food. Maybe I should back up and explain a little.

Last February I began to think I was losing my mind. I was irritable. I was sad. I was tired all the time. I didn't want to be around people. I was trying very hard to lose weight and I couldn't, which just made things worse. Sometimes I was angry for no reason. I started to think that I was possibly experiencing postpartum depression a few months too late. Then I realized that I had been feeling that way for a month or so but I had been faking my way through it. You know, the fake smile, the fake laugh, the random joking around to make others laugh, which is normal for me except my heart just wasn't in it. The 'I'm doing great! How about you?' That kind of thing. The faking it finally got to me and I couldn't fake it anymore.

But there was no way I was depressed! No way! I had a new baby and a great life with a wonderful family. Sure, it wasn't perfect. But what is? Plus, I didn't believe in depression. I mean really, life is what we make it. If you're sad, get over it. Stop complaining and do something about it. Right?!?!?!

Boy was I ever wrong. I want to take a second and apologize to anyone who has ever felt a sadness that they can't seem to kick. Its not necessarily something you can just 'get over'. Sometimes it can be so overwhelming that it makes you feel claustrophobic, even in open spaces.

But then I did get over it. Just a couple of weeks after I realized what was going on. Just like that, I was okay. Not sad anymore. Having fun. Truly laughing. So I forgot about it. But I have been feeling that way again. Its been building for a month or so. Same thing. I don't want to run, which I love to do. I go to work and I do my job well but I don't really want to be there. I don't really want to talk to my friends. I fulfill my calling as First Counselor in the Young Women Presidency at church but I don't really want to. Honestly, its only a sense of responsibility that has kept me doing all of those things. They have to be done. End of story. Good thing I have that sense I guess. And if I'm a bit snippier and shorter of temper, well, I'm allowed. My life is very busy and full of craziness. That can make a person irritable. {I should clarify that I have not, at any point, felt suicidal. Just apathetic and a bit lethargic.}

Then I made a comment to a friend/co-worker about needing some sunshine and being a creature of spring. He said his wife has seasonal sadness. I immediately thought, whoa, is there such a thing?! So of course, I Googled it. And lo and behold, it described me almost to a tee.  The lethargy. The apathy. The crazy craving of carbs in any form. The weight gain (even when I abstain from the carbs that I crave, which of course leads to NOT abstaining from the carbs I crave). The sadness that I can't explain. Then there is the not understanding why I feel this way that makes it all that much worse.

Wow, the winter makes me sad. I mean, yeah, I hate the winter. Really hate it. Its not awful in Arkansas because its usually fairly mild with a lot of sunny days and a few snowy/icy days mixed in. But there is also a lot of dreary days. I hate the winter. I love the sun. I need the sun. I was born two days after the vernal equinox. I am a child of the spring to my core. Did I mention that I hate the winter. But to realize that the winter affects me this way? That's a lot to fathom. Its not always been this way. I mean, I've always hated the winter, don't get me wrong, but last year was the very first time that I can say I felt legitimately depressed because of it.

It is nice, however, to know whats wrong with me. To have an understanding of WHY I feel the way I do. I think that will help me get through it. It also helps to have a supporting husband. Even though I'm sure I've yelled at him more than is absolutely necessary. Regardless, I should feel better in a few weeks anyway. In the mean time, I will go run, even when I really don't think I want to. I will go to my G-Fit classes, even when I really don't think I want to. And Andrew and I will start our Karate classes again tomorrow ( we only had to give it up because of time but Sensei changed the class time, so we can start again!) Because this will pass and the exercise is a natural anti-depressant. Yay for endorphins:-) And if I'm not as quick to laugh, or my smile seems a little shallow, that's okay because the sun will shine and soon I will feel like a new person. I will find myself again and the things that I love will make me happy again. I know this to be true. My faith assures me of this.

~KC

A Family 5k Outing: Awesome fun, turned this mother's worst nightmare.

Meet the Chronics ( my Husband's friend gave us that name and it kinda stuck).



Back Row from the Left: Summer, Me, Joseph
In a row by herself: Kara
Front Row from Left: Andrew, Josiah, Ally



The Idyllic Setting

The Garden of Lights Veterans 5K is an awesome idea! The race starts in the evening and winds through Honor Heights Park, Muskogee, OK. This park is decorated to the nines with Christmas lights and manger scenes. Its absolutely beautiful! We were excited to run this as a family, including our 15 month old, Josiah, in the jogging stroller. The kids were so excited to run with us and now they want to run with us even more, which is cool. Some friends also met us there and some of them ran the course as well.

Joey was running for time. Kara was running with a friend, and Summer is old enough that I felt safe letting her set her own pace. This was mainly because I knew that I would see her a few times during the course, even if she ran faster than me. Ally, Andrew, and of course, Josiah stayed with me. This was so awesome because it allowed me to not worry about time or speed. More importantly, it allowed me to see the beauty of the lights through their eyes. Their amazement affected me in ways I can't explain. Josiah sat quietly in his stroller taking in the sights. I wish I had a mirror or something attached so I could have seen his little face. Andrew and Ally kept up a running commentary: 'Oh look at that tree. Its beautiful!' and 'That blue star is the biggest. It must be Jesus' birthstar.' and my favorite (from Andrew) 'Mom why are the tops of my legs burning?' Hehehe:-)

Sounds like the perfect family holiday outing, right? Wrong...

Where Things go South

The finish line...there it is kids. Take off! Go, Go, GO! I'm right behind you...oh wait. No I'm not because the guy standing by the finish line refuses to let me cross. What?!?!?! It went something like this:
Guy: You can't cross the finish line with a stroller.
Me: Excuse me?
Guy: It will mess up their insurance.
Me, getting peeved: I specifically asked about strollers and was told, no problem.
Guy: You can't cross the finish line with a stroller. You can leave your baby here though like this dad did.
Me: {completely shocked to look down and see a baby in a stroller that I recognized from the race. His momma is going to be ticked at his daddy}
Some Random Woman: I will watch him for you. I have four kids. I will take care of him.
Me: {a more scathing look has never crossed my face} Good for you but I will not leave my baby with strangers. Have you not read the news lately?!?! (Side note: This was the DAY AFTER the Newtown, CT tragedy. My mom emotions were still completely raw and shocked from reading the news all day the day before.)
Guy: You are not crossing the finish line with a stroller.
Me: Fine, at least take my bib number so that I finished the race.
Woman across the line: I'm not taking that.
Guy: Go ahead and take it
Woman: {Rips it out of my hand}
Me: {Losing my cool for real} Look, You can get ticked off all you want but I specifically asked about strollers and was told they were fine.
Woman: Whatever {walks away}
{This is when I realize that the finish line doesn't end there. You have to walk down a little roped off lane. AND I CAN'T SEE ALLY AND ANDREW!!!!!!! There are 1500 runners plus their families. Hundreds of people are milling around and I CAN"T SEE MY KIDS!!!! And I knew Joey was back the other way.}
Me: {Now I've lost it for realsies and I am resisting to the urge to A) Punch someone in the face or B) Run over someone with the stroller.} I have to get to my kids!!!!!! They have already crossed the line!
Guy: Too bad, you can't cross the finish line with a stroller.
Me: {Seriously considering just going across the finish line. I mean what would they do? The only thing that kept me from it was the possibility of them tackling me and Josiah being left alone.} {Oh and by now I am so angry that I am crying because I have no other outlet for my rage...plus I'm terrified about my kids...I have never lost track of one of them in a crowd before. This is literally a nightmare for me. Of Epic Proportions.} You leave me having to choose between leaving my baby with a stranger and losing my 8 and 11 year old in a huge crowd! How can you do this?!?!
Guy: You can't cross the finish line with a stroller.
Me: {turning away and ripping my phone out of my arm band to call Joey} Joey!!!{in hysterics now} They won't let me cross the finish line and Ally and Andrew have already crossed it and I CAN'T SEE THEM!!!!
Joey: Stay right there. I will get them.
{The dad who left his baby, still wasn't back. He crossed the finish line well before I got there. I can only imagine that he had just as much trouble getting back across the finish line to his baby as I had getting across it to my kids.}

This whole episode really only took a few minutes but it was the longest few minutes of my life. Ally and Andrew did exactly what we taught them. They stayed together and stayed put. Joey had them in less than a minute. I had a full scale panic attack. I don't even have panic attacks. We walked the whole way back the van, loaded everybody in. I started driving and still I was shaking. I drove all the way home (and hour and a half) and still I was in full panic attack mode. I had to take sleeping pills just so I could calm down. I still cried most of the night and had nightmares about worst case scenarios. This was, hands down, the worst experience of my parenting life. I looked everywhere, on all the information about the race, and NO WHERE did it say that strollers were not allowed. No where. Not to mention that there were other strollers, some of which had already crossed the finish line. As fun as this run was, as good as the charity is, my family and I will most definitely never run it again. Ever. I can't even type this post without getting sweaty palms and fidgeting.

~KC

 

Of Miles and Milestones...and Determination...and Uberness

 

Miles...

According to my Nike+ GPS watch, I have ran over 200 miles since June 2nd 2012! Since I started running in February of 2012, I have ran over 300 miles. And I have loved every minute if it;-)

 

Milestones...

To go right along with my 200 miles, I am very close to weighing below 200 pounds for the first time since Josiah came along. That's a big milestone for me because I have been working really hard for it!

Determination...

This weekend, Joseph and I ran the Fayetteville 5k.

It was a very hilly, tough course. I had been terrified of it for a month.
We had to run up the hill next to Razorback Stadium then back down the other side for part of the course. I've been told by many people that this could accurately be called 'Hell Hill' or 'Hill of Torture'.  For those of you who have seen the stadium before, this picture that I took from the top of the hill might help you visualize what I'm talking about...

 I was honestly less worried about going up the hill than I was about tripping and rolling DOWN the hill! I'm one of those people who can trip walking across a smooth, flat surface...I'm even considered a klutz in some circles! So this was a very real concern for me. It turns out that I didn't have to worry. I was so terrified that the hills were no where near as bad as I imagined them to be. And I was determined to run the whole course, even the hills. Maybe even especially the hills. I was determined not to let them beat me. That determination paid off because not only did I run the entire race, but I set a shiny new PR...on a difficult course! By TWO WHOLE minutes!!!

 I was pretty excited. Maybe my success stemmed from giving this guy a high five as we started the race...

Whatever the reason, I came, I ran, I rocked! And so did my awesome husband who set his own race PR by over 3 minutes;-).

 

Uberness...

Now let me tell you a little about Uberness...Awesome Uberness even! My running friend Paula (check out her blog here, dont let the name fool you - she's fast!) ran the half marathon. Our race started after hers so we were able to see her off and even give her a cheer after her first mile. After we finished the 5k, I went to where I thought the course map showed she would come running back through and Joey went to the finish line so he would be ready to take her picture as she finished. I was sitting on the steps of a fraternity house wondering where all the spectators were. I decided to look at the map again. Oh NO!!!! I'm in the wrong spot!!! I had to go back up Hell Hill and over a block to see her coming through. And I knew she would be getting to that point really soon. So I hurried, although I didn't run again, ha! I got there just in time to see her come through the aid station between mile 8 and 9. She was making great time! I cheered:-) Now it was time to wait until she came through again. I wasn't worried though because I knew her time goal and she was ahead of schedule. So I waited and cheered some other runners on. This was a really fun experience! 

 

I started to get a little worried because it was taking her longer than I thought. Then I heard this little voice in my head, 'Kacey, run the last bit with her. You have to get back somehow and she may need you'. Just as I heard that, I saw her. I snapped a couple of pictures, grabbed my water bottle and caught up to her. She told me that she had hurt her knee at mile eight. But here she was, still running at a great pace. We chatted a little as we ran. Paula is neither a wimp nor a complainer but the pain in her voice was obvious. She really was hurt. But she was going to finish and only barely miss her goal time. And she was still going to set a PR! We reached the track and I left her to her well deserved victory lap all the while thinking that this friend of mine is awesome. Her determination has inspired me in many ways. She is truly Uber and I was honored to run that bit of her race with her.

 

~KC

 

 

 

 

 

  

Trail running for the WIN!!!

Well, not literally for the win...and not really running either:-)

Joseph and I ran the Devils Den 3 mile trail run Saturday. It was a great day for it. Slightly overcast but warm and dry. I had been looking forward to this race for a few months. Why? Well, when we ran the Muskogee WaterLoop, I discovered that trail running was fun and invigorating. Its the kind of race where I don't worry about how long its taking me. I don't worry about getting a PR (personal record) because, unless you run the exact same course again, there is no precedent to beat. Each trail run is different. Some are rockier, some are more of a hike than a run. But they are all fun. Well, okay, I've only ran two of them, but they were both fun:-) Nothing makes me feel more alive than using the body that God gave me to run amongst the beauty he created.

My mind jumps all over the place when I run a trail run because it doesn't have to focus on results. Here is some of my thoughts while I was running:

Time to line up. This is going to be a blast. Music or no music? How about just one earbud, the best of both worlds. Whistle blows (yes, whistle) annnd we're off! Man, there really needs to be more places to park. I almost just hit that car! HA! Okay, here we go, there is the trail head. This is gonna be so fun!!! Wait, why are we slowing down? Oh, yeah because the trail is very narrow and we are basically in single file. That looks kinda neat. Hmmm...small scale exodus would probably look a little like this. Cool. Oh hey there's Joey. He's way up there. Up...there...crap...fear of heights...forgot about that...this should be interesting. I wish we could go a little faster. Ha, I probably won't be thinking that later. Oh good, we're speeding up...oh wait, no not so much. Hey that would be a good spot for some family pics...if we could get up here without breaking a sweat...not likely. Speeding up again, wooohooo. Ouch, my calves are starting to feel this. Its a good thing I'm stronger since I started G-Fit! Oops, watch your feet, no wait don't look down, not a good idea. Oh no, someone got hurt! "Do you guys have a phone signal?" {Yep but its going straight to voicemail, but someone is running back to get help.} "Okay. Good luck...oh hey you might want to get that shoe off. That ankle is swelling pretty fast." {No, I'm a doctor and we are just going to leave that right where its at.} "Oh good, so you know what you are doing." [And I'm a nurse and I've done this to this ankle before.] "Good then." Back to thinking: not to be rude but if you've done this before why in the world are you running a trail run with no ankle brace on? Hmmm oh well, they seem to have it handled. Hey this must be the look out someone was talking about. Picture? definitely not! That would require getting closer...debilitating fear of heights, remember? Oh, yeah, better keep going then. Pretty though. Glance back...do a double take...WHAT??? What in the world are Mr I'm a Doctor and Miss I've Done this Before doing????? Is he really going to try to piggy back her back to base camp (base camp, hehehe what is this? Vertical Limit?)??? No, wait they are coming this way. What? No go back the way we came, you are only a mile in! What are you doing? Just keep going Kacey, they so obviously know what they are doing...obviously. Okay peeps, this is fun and all but y'all are a tad too slow. Excuse me. Thanks! The leaves are so pretty. Shoot! They are covering some of the rocks...maybe not so pretty, be careful. Up, up, up....where's the rope from the Water loop? That would come in handy. Which way? Oh, there's the little sign, cool. Up, up, stumble, up. Whew finally level. Time to really run. Well that didn't last long. I love nature...what in Hades is that awful smell...Can I get around you please? Thanks! "You guys are doing great, keep it up!" Down, Down, switch back, down. Hey I recognize this. We must be back on the original trail. Sweet! OW!!!!! Hurt ankle, just keep going. Work it out. Slow down a little bit. Awww a cute older couple hiking up the trail. What a great way to spend time together. Oh that's the road, almost done. Aweso......woah! Check for cars... oh they are waiting, cool. Pavement...jog, jog, jog....what am I doing?!?!?!?! This is pavement!!!! RUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNUUUUUNNNNN!!!!! Finish line here I come!

48 minutes. Not so bad! How did you do Joey? What?!?!?!?!?! 34 minutes? That's insane!!! What did you do? Jump down? Basically? Wow! I'm impressed. I need a cookie:-)

And there you have it folks. A look into my crazy mind:-)

Why I Run...

When I was a kid, and even into my teenage years, when I was upset, I would run. When I was happy, I would run. When I was bored, I would run. When my best friend and I got into a fight, I would run (There was one memorable time when my best friend’s sister and I got into a fight and I climbed a tree. But that is a whole different storyJ). The point is that I ran. I loved to run for any reason and even for no reason at all. It was healing, calming, exciting all rolled into one.

Then, exactly 15 years ago today, my world fell apart. My Dad died. My Dad. I could never talk to him again. He couldn’t teach me anything again. He couldn’t make a bad joke that I would give a sympathy laugh to again. When my Mom told me, my body registered what she said before my mind did. I fell, my knees gave out and I fell to the ground before I even realized what exactly she said. There was no time for a run then. No ability for one even. We had to get home, pack and drive to Louisiana where the rest of my family was and where my dad would be buried. No time for a cleansing run. Only time to drive. Only time to build up some walls that might protect me in the days to come.

Skip to getting to the funeral home where I am expected to help my MeeMaw pick out a casket. We chose a nice blue one that I think my Dad would have liked…I guess. Time for the family only viewing. What a torturous tradition. Why do we do that? Closure? Wasn’t closure for me. In fact, it was the exact opposite. One glance, one tiny glance, at the coffin where my dad lay so still and white and the walls I had so carefully built up came crumbling down. I turned and fled. That’s the only way to describe it. I fled. I only wanted away. I didn’t care where, only away. I ran down the aisle, out the door of that horrible room and busted out of the front door as fast as I possibly could. I was gone and I was not coming back. Ever.

My sweet, strong uncle, who had just lost his only sibling, reacted too quickly. He caught me around the waist as I ran through the door. I wasn’t fast enough. He held me while I screamed at him to let me go. He held me while I screamed that my dad was dead, really dead. He held me while I cried.

His reaction was the best thing for me at the time. I was a grieving sixteen year old girl with no money or cell phone on me, in a strange town, no way to protect myself if the need arose (although had it done so, I think my unspeakable grief and anger would have gotten the job done).The only problem is that I would never get that cleansing run that I so desperately needed. I would only build up more walls. I would never actually deal with any of my feelings. Life would go on. I would watch them bury my dad, I would drive back to Arkansas, try to go back to school, to work and survive. I would get married at a ridiculously young age, give birth to my first daughter a year later. My marriage would turn extremely abusive, bit by bit. I would have 2 more daughters and I would nearly lose my life getting out of a marriage that was only a sham anyway. And still I would not get that cleansing run. I would only build more walls.

I met Joseph, we got married and had our first son. We both got our degrees and tried not to be too stressed out. I still didn’t run. Not for happiness, which I certainly felt. Not for stress, which I certainly had but the walls I built did begin to fall, piece by piece. Joseph adopted my daughters, which only made sense as he was the only father they knew and the only one who deserved them. I still didn’t run. We had our sweet Josiah, our little surprise, and he has completed our family in so many ways. And still I didn’t run

Then one day, I decided to. I had only one reason in mind: to lose weight. But when I ran something unexpected happened. I began to remember my love for it. I began to remember why I had done it in the past. What was left of the walls that I built came down. I grieved, I rejoiced, I ran.

So, why do I run? I run for stress relief. I run because I am happy. I run to work out. I run for sanity in my crazy life. I run to meet my goals. I run to improve myself. I run when I am upset. I run when I am overwhelmed. I run when I am confused. I run because I can. I run because I am alive and my Dad isn’t. I run BECAUSE. I. AM. ALIVE.

~KC

Exercise can = Spiritual...Who knew?

Wow! Things have been so crazy the last couple of weeks! Crazy! Josiah has been sick. Kara broke her nose playing basketball at lunch. Appointments, work, and the list goes on. But there are 2 things that have kept me from going crazy myself. One is the time our running group has spent at lunch preparing for the River Valley Run. The other is my G-Fit class. Without these to really take my mind off things, I may have already found a rock to crawl underJ

Last Friday at G-fit, I had an epiphany. Working out, running, just exercise in general can totally be a spiritual experience. We were doing PiYo (a combination of Pilates and Yoga) and the music that was playing was of the Gospel variety. There was just something very calming about it all. And I realized that striving to get into better shape is a righteous thing to do. We are told over and over in the scriptures that our bodies are Temples. We are told to take care of them. Some of us have, some of us haven’t. All of us could improve in some way or another. As we were working out, our trainer, Gabby, reminded us that we are all important. All of us. And we should treat each other that way. Not just our G-fit friends but people we interact with everyday. We shouldn’t judge them because we don’t know what they may have gone, or are going, through. And she was absolutely right!

Saturday was a big day! We were running the race we had been training for. Our 5kers worked so hard. Some of the literally went from couch to 5k! Paula, Joey and I were running the 10k and each of us had a goal we wanted to crush. And we did it! We all did it! Our 5kers ran the best ever and finished so strong. Paula crushed her goal. Joey beat his goal and won 3^rd place in his age division. And I am so proud of them all! I am equally proud of myself, and I think its okay to admit thatJ I beat my time goal but I also did not walk at all!!! It was my first race that I ran the whole way. What makes that even better is that there were lots of hills. One of them I had been having a mental battle with for a week. I would not let it beat me. And guess what? It didn’t! I even had a moment at the top of the hill when I wanted to do the whole ‘Rocky Dance at the Top of the Steps’ thing. But I had miles to go and a goal to meet so I refrainedJ The cool thing was that at mile 2, just before the monster hill, there was sign with a verse on it. ‘I can do all things through Christ.’ That really lifted my heart and reminded me that I can beat this hill. I can do it! I won’t lie, I said a little prayer going up it, lol. And I made it! Then I felt so strong, like I could just keep going, so I did. And there were two more times that I saw verse signs and both came just as I was beginning to feel weak.

There was a part of the course that I had been looking forward to. It was a downhill section through the woods. When I ran it for practice, I felt exhilarated at that point. It comes at a great time in the race because after all the uphill, you need something that makes you feel fast. I kid you not, when I started down it, I let out a ‘woohooo’ and a giggle! Audible and everything. People probably thought I was insane but my heart was full of joy. And I was having a blast! All I could think about was that our 5kers would have been done by then and that Joey and Paula were getting close to the finish line and I felt strong and capable. I felt like we were all blessed to be able to do this and to love to do it. Definitely blessed!

~KC

 

Kacey's Theories of Relativity

Relativity as it pertains to Time:

When you are working out by yourself, time passes soooo slowly. When you are working out with a group, time passes a bit more quickly. When you are watching your kids grow up, time doesn’t pass so much as it fast-forwards…X 10.

Relativity as it pertains to Beauty:

That girl that is dressed to the nines, hair fixed, nails manicured? She is beautiful. That same girl at the park, hair up in a ponytail, comfy clothes on, is more beautiful than you thought because of the love she shines while pushing her baby in a swing.

Relativity as it pertains to Cold:

Winter in Arkansas has its cold days. Spend a winter in Alaska and all of a sudden Arkansas feels downright tropical.  Spend a day in one of the meeting rooms at Golden Living and all of a sudden Alaska feels downright tropical.

Relativity as it pertains to Giving it Your All:

Beginning of a work out, run to half court and back (down-and-backs) giving It your all: no problem run full out, touch the line, run full out. Do that 10 times. End of an hour long workout: 4 down-and-backs, giving it your all: limp as quickly as you can to half court, barely touch the line without falling over, stumble back to the baseline. Legs trembling like jello the whole time.

Relativity as it Pertains to Fitness Levels:

The girl next to you is kicking butt in the workout. Sweating hard, pushing herself and really going at it. The girl next to her doesn’t seem to be doing as much as she is, but then Girl B has 100 pounds on Girl A. Girl B is here to make some drastic changes in her life to improve her health. She too, is sweating hard, pushing herself and really going at it. It may not seem like she is doing as much as Girl A but she is. Her level of effort is just as high and she is rocking it!

The point of this post:

So many things are relative, but we find ourselves comparing ourselves to others anyway. The point of a workout regimen is not to become as fit as the trainer, or as the girl next to you, or as the stranger you see running in the park. The point of a workout regimen is for YOU to improve YOUR fitness level. Do not make the mistake of comparing your beginning to someone else’s middle or end!

Dr. Suess’s thoughts on comparing yourself to others:

‘Today You are You,
That is truer than true.
There is no one alive
Who is Youer than You.'

~KC